In a record-breaking deal of perpetual Pabst Blue Ribbon discounts, the Clemson b-ball program has agreed to a deal with ROAR Clemson to host live practices on weekday nights for the 2026-27 season.
After back-to-back first-round exits in the NCAA Tournament, b-ball head coach B-Money wants a change in practice venues, and his decision brings life back to the program and the University.
“It’s a great venue,” B-Money said. “The concrete floor and defining music simulate the game day environment we are looking for.”
ROAR is widely known to house the most “intense” crowd in the downtown area, so it only makes sense that it is the environment chosen to simulate the likes of gamedays at Duke, UNC or even a March Madness crowd. Clemson evidently has no answer to a rowdy crowd, but as the saying goes, “practice like you play.”
A quiet gym isn’t helping anyone. But drunk students screaming their heads off? That prepares the team for greatness.
The news followed the hiring of Fian Sous as assistant coach, who, according to sources, led the charge for B-Money to make the change. Sous, an alumnus of Clemson b-ball, publicly pushed for this change for years, and now his dreams have become a reality.
“It’s truly a great next step for the program,” Sous said, following the change. “Might start hanging banners in there too, who knows?”
Sous was widely known to spend nearly his entire undergraduate career in the mosh pit of ROAR. Therefore, the new practice area feels something like a homecoming for the former all-star.
ROAR hopes the new weekday atmosphere attracts degenerates from across campus to come consume copious amounts of alcoholic drinks while watching their basketball team sharpen their skills on the beer-stained concrete.
ROAR plans to charge a $6.70 cover from Monday to Wednesday night for students interested in watching the affair, and one lucky customer will be chosen to practice with the team each night.
The natural question really is: what’s in it for them? Running suicides and stumbling around? No. Practicing players and the lucky fan will get the benefit of an open bar to quench their thirst and get in the mindset to play their best basketball.
Although they are only contractually obligated to practice there, B-Money did not close the door on potential games in the ROAR basement, particularly on Saturday nights.
“Our first goal is fan experience. If this is what the people want, this is what they will get,” B-money continued. “Isn’t that what this is all about: drinking beer and taking shots?”
Smiling faces told the story; the school morale is at an all-time high, and people are ready to see how the energy of this new environment changes the game. After all, if Clemson b-ball is going to lose in the first round of every tournament, it might as well have fun.
Clemson Athletics declined to respond to The Kitten’s request for comments.
Clemson’s tournament run might have fallen short once again, but that doesn’t matter because one thing is for sure: b-ball is going to have a whole new look to it next year.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
