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How you can ‘save the world’ this Earth Day

This Saturday is Earth Day and since we all know global warming is a huge issue right now, here is a short list to help you start saving the world!
1. We’ll start off simple: straight up hug a tree for six hours. The tree will appreciate the tender affection. Take solace in knowing that you will fill the empty wooden hole where its heart ought to be. You may get tired, but let the knowledge that you will be helping the environment raise your spirits to carry on.
2. Recycling is always a good thing, right? Find your nearest office supply store, buy all available paper products and recycle them. The trees will appreciate you recycling their brethren. The less paper in stores, the better.
3. Cars release carbon monoxide and other bad things, so cars must also be bad. Slash your neighbor’s tires to make sure they can’t drive anywhere and create more pollution. I’m sure they’ll understand.
4. In order to understand nature, you must become one with nature. Bury yourself up to your neck in dirt. In doing so, you will become a plant, and therefore be better positioned to understand your chlorophyll-filled friends. Just like in sports: be the ball. But instead of a ball, be a plant.
5. We all have to take notes and write in class, but you have many options in this department. Stop using pencils to reduce your carbon footprint. Pencils have carbon in the lead, so if you don’t use any pencils, that’s less carbon in the environment!
6. Wasting water is a big no-no, especially in places where water is scarce. In order to use vastly less water, simply stop taking showers. The average shower uses 17.5 gallons, so that’s 17.5 gallons saved every day and over six thousand every year!Think of all the pots of macaroni you could make with that water.
7. The motto of a greener earth is “Reduce, reuse, recycle.” But did you know that you could actually do more than one of these at the same time? Take some empty water bottles and lash them together to create new clothes. Reusing and recycling has never been so easy! As an added bonus, your new clothes can also function as a flotation device in case you are suddenly thrown into water.
8. I don’t know about the rest of you all, but my parents were constantly telling me to turn off the lights and all unused appliances when I left a room. This is not just because they were trying to go green, but also just because they’re cheap and electricity can be expensive. In order to get your electric bill down to its absolute lowest, cut the power line to your house. Not only will you be surprised at your savings, but also the amount of times you’ll stub your toe at night because of the lack of light.
9. As of late, the one environment-related headline that has been all over the place is “Save the Bees!” Bees pollinate most of our food, and they are dying at an alarming rate, so it makes sense that we should try to help them out. Fill your entire front yard with as many bee boxes as you can. The bees will have a place to live, and you will have stylish new yard decorations. Your neighbors will probably forgive the bee stings and constant buzzing if you share a little honey with them.
10. The age-old question posed at grocery stores: paper or plastic? Plastic is cheap and convenient, but paper is better for the environment and can be recycled more easily. Some people go a step further and bring their own burlap sacks that can be reused multiple times. However, you can take it a step even further. Instead of using paper, plastic or even your own bag, just carry all your groceries by hand to your bike (because cars are evil, remember?). You might have to make a few trips, but remember: you live in this world. It’s up to you to save it.
NOTE: This article is completely fictitious and does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and views of The Tiger nor its staff. It is for humor purposes only.

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