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Clemson United head coach Mike Noonan is so good at his job that the big leagues are now trying to poach him; pictured at the National Championship in December talking with Cristiano Ronaldo, who flew out just to watch him coach.

Clemson United coach receives interest from European soccer clubs

Griggin Garfield, Ass Balls Editor April 1, 2024

Following his recent success at the American collegiate level, rumors are swirling that Clemson United head coach Mike Noonan has begun receiving interest from several professional European clubs. Thanks...

Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney is ready to use the transfer portal for his program after being against the excessive use throughout his career.

Dabo is ‘all in’ on the transfer portal

Jose Zarrapoopie, Groupie #8 April 1, 2024

Ever since the introduction of the transfer portal in October 2018, many major collegiate athletic programs have pivoted to prioritize this method of acquiring players. Clemson has infamously not been...

Thanks to his petite 6-foot-1, 230-pound frame, running back Phil Mafah has been tabbed as a specialist for the future mens gymnastics team.

Clemson announces inaugural men’s gymnastics team

Kylie Brochard, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

The Clemson athletic department has announced its intention to establish a men’s gymnastics program following the success of the women’s team this year. This establishment would be the 16th NCAA...

Littlejohn Coliseum is set to host the gladiator-style brawl between Clemson and the University of Second Choice.

Coaches gladiator brawl to settle SC rivalry once and for all

Post Malone, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

One of the best in-state rivalries in college sports is finally going to be settled once and for all: the legendary battle between Clemson and the University of Second Choice. This will be determined not...

Clemson will reinstate the Wendys at 1 Bryan Circle.

Clemson to bring back on-campus Wendy’s

Kelly Kardashian, Ass. Balls Editor April 1, 2024

As you may have noticed in your recent walks around campus, Peppino’s Pizzeria is currently undergoing construction. While many believe this is a standard operation (because what’s more standard in...

Analysts have been watching the stock market carefully in wake of recent recessions caused by Clemson football.

Stock market crashes; Clemson football to pay out

Dixie Normous, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

“The stock market is crashing,” head coach and Federal Reserve Board Chair Dabo Swifty announced ahead of the upcoming Clemson football spring game. Following last November’s upset win over Notre...

Taylor Swift to join Travis Kelce on visit to Clemson football

Inez Betty James, Groupie #4 April 1, 2024

On Friday, Dabo Swinney announced that Taylor Swift’s boyfriend will visit Clemson Football to talk to the team. Shortly after, it was announced that Swift would also be joining him on his visit to the...

Shipley knows the sky is the limit for him, leading to his recent decision to flip to the quarterback position.

Will Shipley redeclares for draft as quarterback

Mike Oxlong, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

In a stunning turn of events at the 2024 NFL Combine, Clemson running back Will Shipley decided to try his hand at quarterbacking. Known for his lightning-fast speed and elusive moves on the field, Shipley...

Clemson may have its next future quarterback in freshman phenom Levor Trawrence.

Freshman quarterback making waves at Clemson spring practice

Luke Mustache, Asst. Sports Editor April 1, 2024

The Clemson football team has begun spring practice, and a freshman quarterback named Levor Trawrence has been turning heads since stepping on campus. The 6-foot-6, 220-pound quarterback has drawn comparisons...

Luckily for Livvy, the transition to Clemson will be easy as she now represents the proper Tigers and the actual Death Valley.

Clemson lands Livvy Dunne in transfer portal

Nathaniel Outwoman, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

LSU star gymnast Olivia “Livvy” Dunne has announced that she will be transferring to Clemson University this fall, after being granted a fifth year of eligibility. Clemson gymnastics kicked off...

The signature orange Gatorade coolers on the sidelines of all Clemson sporting events have recently been redesigned in light of Athletics new contract with downtown hot spot Study Hall.

Clemson Athletics to add Study Hall’s Jetfuel to sidelines

E-money, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

Clemson Athletics has officially partnered with Study Hall to make Jetfuel the new official drink sponsor of the Clemson Tigers, per an announcement made last week. Jetfuel has been a hit in downtown Clemson...

Swinney, pictured at a press conference the day after his chat with the infamous Tyler from Spartanburg, said, I had some idiot go Old Testament on me, and he got an Old Testament response. Yall print that one.

Swinney to hire Tyler from Spartanburg as motivational speaker

graciegirl1307, Balls Editor April 1, 2024

The scandal that swept the Upstate last October has resurfaced in an unexpected way — that is to say, Tyler from Spartanburg is back. Anyone who pays attention to Clemson football recalls the ill-fated...

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