I think we can all agree that Clemson parking is really bad. In fact, some might even go as far as to say that it’s gotten worse each semester.

With so much construction around campus and the closing of crucial lots for student parking, it’s starting to get more and more difficult to commute to school. So, what’s the answer to this never-ending problem at Clemson University? Valet parking.

Just think about it. Valet parking is the key solution to our problems, and it’s what Clemson has been missing. Imagine a world where you could drive to school and not have to worry about how much time it would take to find a spot.

Valet parking would be a game changer for Clemson University Parking and Transportation Services, and here’s how it would work: students would show up to school and approach the valet parking area, and then they would just hand off their keys to the parking attendant. After that, the student can go ahead and go to class while the attendant finds them a safe and appropriate spot for their car.

Not to mention, at the end of the day, the attendant will retrieve the student’s car for them. No more long walks to and from the student parking lots. And no more unnecessary stress from searching parking lots.

“The other day, I circled the parking lot for six hours,” one anonymous student said. “I think valet parking would really help prevent this.”

Students are sick and tired of the hassle of parking at Clemson. Our tuition money should be going towards something that will help prevent the fight for spots. It should be going towards valet parking services.

There’s nothing a student wants more than to get to class on time, but how can you, when you’re circling lots for hours, end up having a panic attack because you can’t find a spot and are about to be late again? This is stressful and, honestly, really bad for a student’s mental health.

Valet parking will prevent this, help us get to class on time and probably even lead to better mental health in students. Taking away that extra stress and replacing it with a friendly parking attendant is sure to do wonders for students.

So, let’s stop messing around with the parking stuff, Clemson. You can’t avoid it forever, and we demand a solution. We want valet parking and we want it now! Who’s with me?!

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.