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Let’s sacrifice gamecocks before sporting events

Nathan Dumlao // Unsplash
Person holds a wing from a recently sacrificed gamecock.

We need to stop giving credit to the glorified chicken that is the University of South Carolina’s Gamecock mascot, namely the second-best USC in the country. Since we consistently embarrass our rivals in sporting events, I think it’s time to turn some of the attention away from their “players” and look towards their silly little bird.

What is one of everyone’s favorite snacks while watching the sporting events? Chicken wings and tenders. So, since people love fresh food, anyway, let’s sacrifice a Gamecock before every event on campus. Yes, you read that right — every event, even if it is not against USC, since the hatred runs deep within our community.

This is simply a great way to reassert our dominance over the University of South Carolina because what are they going to do? They can’t slaughter tigers in retaliation; killing endangered species is just uncool. However, chickens are our daily food anyway.

“That’s an amazing idea, I’ll bring buffalo sauce,” head coach Sabo Dwinney said when asked about the proposal.

Other major Clemson figures echoed the same sentiment, with Cim Jlements saying, “We love implementing new ideas into the many Clemson traditions, and screw USC.”

The sacrifice would show Clemson’s domination in South Carolina and bring a whole new aspect to gameday environments.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.

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