Due to a recent resurgence in stories of formerly possessed students, Clemson has shut down Cooper Library so the Ghostbusters can investigate paranormal activity on the basement floor.
The basement level floor, historically referred to as “the dungeons,” has been a consistent source of violent apparitions since the library’s inception in August 1966 and has since been shut down after events have resurfaced.
Victims of the “demonic conspiracy” have claimed that the University’s “mishandling has led to the injury and loss of many students’ and, most importantly, a favored study space.”
“Clearly, these ghost sightings are all a part of a grand conspiracy. It’s no coincidence that the basement floor happens to be precisely where the hauntings have taken place,” said CUPD student intern Thomas Clarence in an interview with The Kitten.
While investigating the library’s bottom floor, Clarence created his personal theories, which may explain the strange happenings at Cooper.
“I researched the University’s catalogs and learned that in years past, students have only been disturbed by phantoms when loud noises have been made by students disrespecting the quiet study policy.”
Students, faculty and staff have also shared their theories with The Kitten’s Ghostbuster hotline.
“Obviously, the ghosts are not real, and neither are wifi, cell phone towers or fax machines. It’s all a simulation,” Grace Alivia O’Connel, a senior spooky science major, said to The Kitten.
“Having served as the library’s longest-serving bookkeeper, it’s clear that the sightings are a product of pesky freshmen who disturb the silence of the basement floor,” Strom Thurmond’s ghost said to the Kitten.
Despite Clemson’s recent attempts to resolve the issue, political groups on campus have taken to the streets demanding the immediate removal of ghostly entities from Clemson’s library.
“We can’t let Clemson continue to sweep our seriously legitimate concerns under the bathroom rug. In fact, we will protest the University unless the library’s demons are removed immediately,” Phishy, a student in their tenth year, said to The Kitten.
In response to growing pressure from student-led groups and national exposure, Clemson has recently moved to red tape Cooper Library, cutting down on student access in a controversial decision by members of the Board of Trustees.
“Currently, Clemson University has hired the Ghostbusters to quickly extract the ghostly troublemakers from the library grounds. Until the University can contain the mystical contamination, students will no longer be able to access the library for their safety,” Clemson CUPD told The Kitten.
This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
