Are you a college student looking for a new hobby? Well, I have a proposition for you: writing smut.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, fanfiction is a story written in a made-up world or alternate reality and is typically about a character or celebrity with a large fanbase or two characters that fans think should be together.

Smut is a form of fanfiction that is very sexual in nature and is sometimes written so that readers can be in the story with a particular character and have a relationship with them.

Smut is highly erotic and typically abandons all plotlines, so it is perfect for those with a short attention span and less-than-average reading abilities.

But how does one write smut? Here are some helpful tips and staples of smutty stories.

When writing smut, try and make your male characters speak in as low of a voice as possible. This not only helps with creating mystery, which is a key element of smut.

An important example of this is in the fanfiction series “After.” The main character is a darker, alternate version of Harry Styles, whose “bad boy” air surrounds him and causes the main character to fall for him.

The more mystery there is, the more attractive a character is, so try to reveal as little as feasibly possible about a character to the audience. In fact, if there are clandestine meetings in mysterious alleys that result in steamy make-out sessions, your story is sure to be a hit with readers.

Secondly, try and make your characters lean against doorways as much as possible. This is a
great seduction tactic and works especially well if the character is shirtless or in a dark room. Having one arm up is incredibly alluring and makes a character much more desirable.

Another smut writing tip is to use as many adjectives as possible when talking about those in the story. Over describe in order to paint the clearest picture possible for readers. Doing this will guarantee readers are infatuated with your characters, as it does not have to be an accurate description and can appeal to a wider audience.

For example, one could say, “His green eyes gleaned blue in the moonlight.” Now, you have captured the hearts of those partial to both blue and green eyes in a completely untruthful way.

Lastly, when writing your smut, try to be as grammatically incorrect as possible. Readers will be so busy picturing making out with their favorite character that they won’t even notice, so take creative liberties with your comma usage. The aesthetic of no capital letters or proper punctuation is nothing if not attractive.

Best of luck to you, readers and writers!

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, “The Kitten.” This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.