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Coffee shortage in Clemson

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Say goodbye to your favorite brews this semester as Clemson downtown coffee shops try to repair the giant loss.

If there is one thing that college students can count on, it’s exams and all-nighters. Thankfully, there is one magic elixir that can help it all: coffee.

Coffee is the lifeblood of college students. So, it makes perfect sense why Clemson has so many different coffee shops. However, coffee shops cannot save students from impending doom.

Recently, a new kind of coffee bean has been discovered. It’s a cross between a Fooliosa bean and an Aripilia bean. These two beans are known for their distinct and vivacious flavors. The new bean has been dubbed “Goldsonia,” as the brew has a deep golden color.

Goldsonia is stirring up all kinds of trouble. Coffee shops all over the world are searching for these rare beans in hopes of adding to their inventory. The crazed search for Goldsonia has caused stock in regular brews to plummet, resulting in a national coffee shortage.

This shortage brews trouble for college students all across the country. In hopes of combating this shortage, Clemson is implementing a new policy: The One Drink Pass.

The rules of The One Drink Pass are simple — each student must submit their name to a weekly Clemson form applying for coffee passes. The form is a lottery; however, every applicant is assured one pass. This pass applies to one coffee and may only be used in the week it is assigned. Students are prohibited from saving passes to use for later weeks, and all passes are nontransferable.

The bitter truth is that coffee supply will be in high demand for the next few weeks. Clemson is doing everything in its power to address the coffee shortage, but until then, it is advised that students look for alternatives. Take a walk around campus, drink an energy drink or cry. All are great ways to increase your energy.

This is a scary time, and it is completely understandable to feel upset or overwhelmed. There is little anyone can do but wait for this nightmare to end, but trust that all will return to normal. The coffee shortage may hurt our spirits, but it will lift our wallets.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.

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