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Need a lift? Bro-peds to the rescue

@clemsonmopedrally // Instagram
Lucky you! These fine young gentlemen could be your uber ride home.

Clemson downtown, you’re in luck this Saturday. All bro-ped owners in Clemson have teamed up with Uber in order to provide easy transportation for all the drunkies this weekend at an exceptionally low rate.

The running rumor is that each bro-ped can fit two to three girls, provided one sits on the driver’s lap. However, transportation for men comes with an extra 5% fee, along with extra fines if the rider’s pelvic region comes in contact with the driver’s rear.

All Clemson fraternities have offered up their pledges for this event, but not their mopeds, which the pledges will have to purchase themselves if they do not yet have one.

Other bro-ped users not affiliated with a fraternity have offered their services as well in hopes of creating a “bromunity,” or bro-ped community.

With all moped users, the total number of bro-peds that are available this weekend will be over 100. This will ensure that everyone gets an almost-safe, or at least a ride home, maybe even to the bro-ped owner’s apartment.

City officials are concerned that the large mass of mopeds, or what they referred to as the “moped mob,” will be the cause of several accidents. Ambassador for the bro-peds Chad McChaderson argues against this.

“The damn scooter drivers have already almost killed me on campus. Our mopeds aren’t hurting anyone yet,” McChaderson stated.

Get ready to zoom through the streets at an incredible top speed of 30 miles per hour. Helmets are not planned to be provided, nor any kind of seatbelt; however, you will be able to high-five party-goers as they weave across College Avenue.

The fraternities have also stated that the drivers will not be intoxicated; however, they refuse to provide a statement on whether the brothers will have other substances in their systems.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.

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