Timothée Chalamet will be turning his considerable talents towards the challenge of playing both Clemson President Jim Clements and head football coach Dabo Swinney in an upcoming film Clemson University and Warner Brothers’ Brothers Pictures announced in a joint statement this morning.
The project stems from Chalamet’s frustration at not yet having won an Oscar.
“I thought, if I can’t win one for playing an American icon like Bob Dylan, then how could I ever have a shot?” Chalamet explained in a telegram. “But then I realized that I could just play both of America’s most revered heroes at the same time.”
The film will follow Swinney’s shepherding of the Clemson Tigers in the leadup to their 2018 national championship win, alongside Clements’ handling of the University’s bureaucracy during the same period. It will reportedly be seven hours long.
“We’re just so passionate about this story, we felt that we needed time to capture every last detail,” producer Jerry Bruckheimer said. He is well-known for financing “National Treasure” and “Pirates of the Caribbean” series, among others.
Chalamet and Bruckheimer held a seance to contact the ghost of legendary filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard, who will be posthumously directing the movie. “Having a ghost direct was Timmy’s idea,” Bruckheimer said. “We’re saving a lot of money this way — you don’t have to pay a ghost.”
In an Ouija board interview with The Kitten, Godard confirmed that Chalamet will be shaving his head to portray Clements as accurately as possible, and will wear a wig while portraying Swinney. “Cinema is about truth,” the deceased Frenchman said, “and this is why Monsieur Timmy must be bald.”
Chalamet was reportedly more than willing to go bald, saying that it has helped him relate to his idols Robert Duvall, Voldemort and Vin Diesel. Chalamet has begun method acting for the movie already, a process which seems to largely consist of praising God every time anything happens to him or his team.
Chalamet will be joined by a supporting cast, including Leonardo DiCaprio as Trevor Lawrence, Zendaya as the Clemson Tiger, Terrence Howard as a math professor and Alec Baldwin as the Boss Baby. Clemson’s canine celebrity Buddy will appear as himself, and Lin-Manuel Miranda will compose a soundtrack of original songs.
“It’s really an unparalleled lineup of talent,” Chalamet said via carrier pigeon. “And we haven’t even announced who’s playing Spider-Man yet.” When asked how Spider-Man would fit into the narrative, Chalamet said, “that 2018 National Championship is going to be even crazier than you remember, that’s all I can say.”
The film, which is set to release in July 2026, is projected to gross at least twelve dollars, largely generated by the demographic of “guys who haven’t seen a movie in theaters since ‘Moneyball.’”
Dads across the country are in support of the project, pointing to Chalamet’s surprising and impressive display of ball knowledge on ESPN’s College GameDay.
As a huge fan of Godard, Spider-Man and Clemson’s administrative bureaucracy, I know I’ll be seated on day one. “Untitled Timothée Chalamet Clemson Movie,” which already has a perfect 5-star Letterboxd rating, hits theaters on July 32, 2026.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
