Fulfilling every theater kid’s dream, the Clemson Players have decided to open the fall 2025 semester with a rendition of the popular Broadway musical “Hamilton.” Surprisingly, the Clemson Players have announced they will all be stepping away from the stage, trading places with the University’s football team.
Since the Broadway edition of “Hamilton” features narration from the titular character throughout the entire musical, the Clemson Players needed a prominent voice to lead the cast, and everyone seems to agree that there’s no better choice than Clemson quarterback Cade Klubnugget.
With Klubnoob playing Alexander Hamilton, the audience is sure to be captivated. Klubnoob is sure to make people feel as if they’re in the midst of a football huddle, being told to get back up and win the game, as he delivers passionate renditions of Miranda’s iconic songs.
Trading their football uniforms for 18th-century tights and coats, the rest of the football team will act in the supporting roles and understudies. The team’s starting lineup will be putting on powder wigs instead of their helmets to portray the founding fathers and other key political figures this fall.
Although Phil Mwahaha has declared for the 2025 NFL draft, it has been said he will return to Clemson for his biggest challenge yet, starring as Aaron Burr, a vital character in the “Hamilton” musical. This production may well have a larger impact on Mwahaha’s career than playing for the Clemson Tigers ever did.
In addition to returning football players, the “Hamilton” musical will also feature the football team’s three newest transfers from the portal to star as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.
Although nothing has been officially confirmed, the auditions for the leading actress roles have been overwhelmed with the Rally Cat and Clemson cheerleading squads. However, the Clemson Players are still seeking their perfect Eliza Hamilton.
Prepare to be stunned by an amazing “Hamilton” production this fall semester. Although they are monstrous on the field, the Clemson football team will be agile and melodious in their poised ponytails on stage. Accompanied by the Clemson Rally Cats and cheerleading squad, the football team will ensure this musical performance is the show of a lifetime for diehard Clemson fans.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
