Clemson Parking services recently announced that they are building a new remote parking lot at the T. Ed Garrison Arena to alleviate the parking problems caused by the new Bigjohn Arena project.
The new dirt parking lot will have nearly 2,000 unmarked spaces and will serve as event parking for the Garrison Arena, which often hosts large events such as rodeos. It will also serve as the parking lot for the new vet school.
The new lot, which is expected to be called the Screwed Park-N-Ride, will be connected to campus by a single Tiger Transit shuttle at 30-minute intervals between 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The shuttle will bring students to a stop on Kite Hill, where they are expected to walk or catch another bus to campus.
The hope is to gradually move more and more commuter parking to the Garrison Arena area.
“I don’t know what the f*ck they want me to do,” Parking Director Dan Hoffman said. “They keep building monstrosities on my parking lots, the trustees won’t let me build a goddamn parking garage, and the students won’t use a bus if you pay them!” Unfortunately, he was recently admitted to a mental institution and placed on suicide watch after attempting to design a floating parking lot.
The lot will be built on six pristine acres of the Clemson Experimental Forest, stretching between the T. Ed Garrison complex and the nearby swine barn. Over 300 trees must be cut down, including five state champions.
“It’s going to be a really sick bonfire,” President Jim Clements said, referring to the planned donor event for which the trees will be used. It will honor the Screwed Family, the patriarch who made his money in healthcare administration.