Clemson University students are in for a shock this April 1 and 2, when campus is overtaken by the Pursuit, Clemson’s yearly fundraising contest. In an exclusive press release provided to The Kitten, the Pursuit’s directors have announced that, instead of being a series of scavenger hunts and athletic competitions like past events, this year’s event will instead consist of the Purge — “like from the movies.”
“The Pursuit has raised, like, a lot of money over the years,” the press release says, “but not enough. We realized that we could make a lot more money if the thing were mandatory, and if we could just steal hundreds of thousands of dollars from local banks.”
All Clemson students, faculty and staff will be required to participate in the two-day period of lawless violence, dubbed the “Purge-suit.” The news has provoked mixed reactions from the Clemson family.
“I’m really not looking forward to the possibility of being robbed or murdered or having my stuff stolen,” said John Loser, a freshman pacifism major. “I don’t think I’d like that very much.”
Jane Money, a seventieth-year senior finance major, was much more positive about the change.
“Dude, I’m going to commit so much tax fraud,” Money boasted. “I’m going to cook the books so hard.”
Some individuals’ reactions were much more concerning.
“I’m really excited for the Purge,” said sophomore English major John Murderer. When asked what crimes he planned to commit, Murderer was cagey.
“Uh, I’ll probably pirate some movies or, like, run a red light. I’m not really sure.” Murderer was adamant that he believes nominative determinism to be “bullcrap.”
Rick Brenkert, a junior mechanical engineering major, was more equivocal about the event.
“I’m really looking forward to broadcasting explicit songs on FM radio,” he said, “but I’m not too happy about the required $35 participation fee.”
Ultimately, Brenkert said that $35 was a small price to pay for the privilege of playing Sexyy Red on terrestrial radio in defiance of FCC regulations.
Plenty of people plan to use the Purge-suit as an opportunity to commit the most classic of crimes, theft. I, for one, will be using the event as an opportunity to steal every LEGO set on campus, so keep your Sensei Wu minifigures close.
John Thief, a junior burglary major, will be stealing the library’s DVD copy of the movie “Thief,” and nothing else. Clemson professor John Professor will be stealing the grant money that he needs to finish his research into the history of professors, although he prefers to call it “wealth redistribution.”
University Provost J. Cole Wannabe expressed his support for the idea in a message in a bottle obtained by The Kitten.
“I am very excited for the Purge-suit,” Wannabe said. “I look forward to being able to steal the identity of popular hip-hop artist J. Cole without fear of legal repercussions.”
Wannabe will perform a set of J. Cole songs in Death Valley on April 2 to mark the conclusion of the Purge.
Former University President Clem Jiments had a different opinion. “Man, am I glad I got out of there before they legalized murder,” he said in a message sent to The Kitten via smoke signals. “I would not have enjoyed being attacked by marauding gangs of frat bros.”
The Purge-suit begins at midnight on April 1, when a horrifying alarm that sounds like a scary ghoul will ring out over campus. After the alarm sounds, per the press release, “all bets are off. Go crazy.”
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
