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Movies: They’re all bad

Despite what Hollywood wants you to believe, most movies are fictional.

In my capacity as this publication’s most long-winded film writer, I have viewed several movies over the last few months. I have given many of them glowing reviews, praising their formal sophistication and thematic resonance, but it is with a heavy heart that I must retract all of these endorsements.

Last week, I was surprised when I noticed that Theodore Laurence from the 2019 film “Little Women” looked strikingly similar to Paul Atreides from “Dune: Part Two.” Initially, I chalked this up to coincidence, but I became really suspicious after seeing the same face on the titular character in “Wonka.”

After investigative visits to the Wikipedia pages “Wonka (film),” “Academy Award for Best Actor,” “Motion picture” and “List of sandwiches,” I can reveal what Hollywood doesn’t want you to know: movies aren’t real. The man variously appearing on your screens as Willy Wonka, Paul Atreides and Laurie Laurence is, in fact, an “actor” known as “Timothée Chalamet.”

An “actor,” from what I understand, is an individual who performs various “characters” on stage and screen. Mr. Chalamet — if that’s even his real name — is one of many people conspiring to swindle the American public into believing that such spectacles as space worms, magic chocolate and the year 1863 are real when they are, in fact, Hollywood fabrications.

For this reason, I must revoke my support of nearly all movies. I cannot lend legitimacy to a medium built on lies. “Cinema,” the French liar Jean-Luc Godard once said, “is truth 24 times a second.” He was wrong. Cinema is composed of 24 lies per second, not 24 truths, and that is altogether too many falsehoods for me to endorse — my lies-per-second tolerance maxes out at 22.

The only film I can still support is Tom McGrath’s 2021 animated picture, “The Boss Baby: Family Business.” I can personally verify that every event depicted in the movie happened in real life, as I was there.

After being rocked to my core by the discovery that movies are fake, I have decided to begin covering reality television instead — it has “reality” in the name, after all.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.

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Thomas Merzlak, TimeOut Editor
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    Boss BabyApr 2, 2024 at 1:34 pm

    It’s true