Clemson University has missed vital student markets. Over and over again, there seems to be a pattern that when faced with the option of broadening studies, we shy away. We Tigers can do better.
We can finally add the majors that students actually care about. Nobody wants that engineering, accounting or English degree; they want to study soil saturation, needless construction, world cinema, astrology and more. Clemson is such a joke school without these more serious and coveted degrees.
Recently, there was a collection of students called RealEyes Majors who petitioned and rallied for majors of interest to be added to the course programs.
“Realize we have, real eyes that see your, real lies of what to be,” students chanted.
While practicing their free speech and assembly, the rival group of conventionalists threw tomatoes at the RealEyes Majors’ signs and booed them off the stairs of Sikes Hall. The conventionalists are part of a larger group that ensures fake majors like engineering remain in high demand.
Many students on campus have expressed support, and so do I. There is a part of me that knows puppetry is my real calling in this life, and the fact that Clemson won’t offer me that option is heartbreakingly, devastatingly, distressingly, excruciatingly, depressingly, ever so harshly upsetting. Students shouldn’t have to lie down and take what little they are given; they should seize the chance to be on top!
In my opinion, we should add a list of the following majors: student athletics, underwater basket weaving, sign spinning, paint drying, tanning and garden gnome practices.
Thirty-five current professors have come out to admit that they have bachelor’s degrees in what the RealEyes Majors group would call “majors of interest.” One has even come out to say they have a major in puppetry from the University of Connecticut.
“I would have been a Tiger in a heartbeat if puppetry was offered here,” says Ree Alprof, a finance professor. “It broke my heart.”
Other faculty and graduate students share similar sentiments: If a real major were offered at Clemson, then they would have pursued a career here.
Artificial intelligence is just going to steal our jobs anyway; Clemson can provide students with pathways to careers that are guaranteed to be human by 2067. The RealEyes movement isn’t just a trend; it’s a push that means something to a lot of students.
In a survey sent out by Completely Real and True Facts Research in 2025, 99% of students said that they wanted to major in something actually worthwhile, majors that we just don’t have.
Students deserve a better setup for their future. We deserve to have majors that guarantee employment, majors worthwhile. Majors like the RealEyes Majors movement are fighting for.
Rea Elle Kneuws is a sophomore garden gnome sciences major from the center of the Earth. Don’t try to reach her, she knows she’s right.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
