In an effort to alleviate concerns about limited parking on Clemson’s campus, Clemson’s parking inconvenience services has announced it will remove all student commuter parking lots this summer and replace them with more green spaces.
The announcement comes after the supposed success of removing the C1 lot and replacing it with a construction zone.
“We found out that if you drastically cut the amount of available parking, students park less,” Danny Hoffy, director of parking inconvenience services, told The Kitten in an interview.
“So if we remove all viable parking options, students won’t have any parking lots to complain about. It will give them more real-world experience when it comes to trying to figure out how to solve an issue,” Hoffy continued.
The student body will still be welcome to purchase parking permits, even though there will be no student parking spots, according to Hoffy.
Parking inconvenience services has amended its regulations to include that “students will be permitted to park in employee spots from 11:59 p.m. to midnight on alternating Sundays.”
New regulations also state that all student cars found parked in employee spaces will be turned over to the department of automotive engineering to provide students in those courses with hands-on experience.
Parking will work with the department of agriculture to replace all these student lots as green spaces, as the University believes “green spaces are cool, we think,” department of agriculture chair Cloro Phil told The Kitten.
“We like, need more grass around here. It’s all red brick and construction tape and noises, and it’s super bummy,” Phil said.
These green spaces will be completely off-limits to students at all times, as the agriculture department believes that student use would tarnish the areas.
Any student found using the green spaces for any reason will be immediately expelled, prosecuted for criminal trespass and enrolled at the University of Second Choice.
The green spaces will still be available for sale as tailgate parking during football games. “We’re in the business of inconveniencing students, not paying tailgaters,” Hoffy clarified, adding that they can still park and use the green spaces for an increased fee.
This increased fee would go directly to the department’s next goal, which has not yet been decided.
“We’re still trying to figure out what will make students’ lives the most miserable,” Hoffy said.
“This is a great move for Clemson. We are always moving toward the worst possible student experience,” former University Prez JP Clemdog said in a statement regarding the change. “Our students have had it too good for too long, and it’s high time we got back to our roots of decreasing parking and crushing spirits.”
Clemdog also said that the transition would advance Clemson toward its goal of winning the Guinness World Records 2026 award for “most students’ routines disrupted per capita.”
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
