It’s time we address the real issue at Clemson University. It’s not the amount of parking spaces or the lack of clean dishes in the dining halls that has sparked my frustration. It is simply that Clemson’s mascot is too predictable.
Think about it — across college athletics, tigers are everywhere. LSU, Auburn and even Mizzou are all represented by a tiger. At this point, being a tiger isn’t intimidating or unique; it is just repetitive. How can we let Stanford get away with having their mascot as a tree?
So, I propose a new mascot. One that is bold, original and even unpredictable. One that might even drive our football team to victory: the Clemson Chicken.
Before anyone decides to flood my email with complaints, I ask that you hear me out. I understand that a certain school down the road has already entered the poultry market, but that shouldn’t stop us from embracing our school spirit. This would not be “the next best Gamecock.” It would be better.
Where some schools like the University of South Carolina embrace chaos, Clemson embraces excellence. Our chicken wouldn’t just wander aimlessly and throw darts, hoping they stick. This would be a high-performance bird. Studious, disciplined and possibly enrolled in the honors college. I mean, this chicken would have a LinkedIn.
On top of being better than South Carolina, other opposing teams would be at a loss for words. They won’t know whether to fear it or to laugh, and by that point, we would already be winning the game amidst their distraction. Defensive coordinators would have to account for players being caught up in a vibe.
Clemson prides itself on running down the Hill and touching Howard’s Rock, but imagine adding in one more tradition: the release of the Chicken. A single bird sprinting across the field, leading the football team onto the field of Memorial Stadium. This would have fans dancing along to the Tiger Band’s rendition of the “Chicken Dance.” Tell me that wouldn’t unite this campus.
Additionally, merchandise would have a complete overhaul. Stores would begin to sell foam beaks, feather boas in Clemson orange and purple and T-shirts that say “peck around and find out.” The alumni would go crazy with their donations.
For those still clinging to the Tiger as a symbol of strength, let me ask you this: Have you ever tried to catch a chicken? Exactly. We deserve a new mascot. One that will redefine what it means to attend Clemson University and represent the Clemson Chicken.
The future is clear. The future is poultry.
Parislover917 is a freshman expert in mascots from Columbia, South Carolina.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
